1. TABLE STUDY. All you need to do to quantify the vast differences between husbands and wives is inventory the contents of the tables on their respective sides of the marital bed. In my house it breaks down this way: MINE: Alarm clock. Eyeglass case. Lamp. HERS: Four pairs of variously colored drugstore eyeglasses. A professional journal to keep up with work stuff. A romance novel to decompress from work stuff. Three past issues of Oprah magazine. Two water bottles (to help meet those 8 recommended daily glasses!). Three varieties of cream – face, hand and body. One dish of assorted seashells (under a Reader’s Digest). An iPad with five Words with Friends games in progress. Oh, and of course, the essentials — alarm clock and lamp. I always knew my wife could juggle more thoughts in her head than I can, but it was a surprise to realize our furniture offers such clear testimony of how much more simple (okay, maybe simple-minded) I am. Still, like a lot of couples struggling to find time to meet all of life’s demands, we do occasionally talk about ways to get back to the basics. To help out my busy wife, I may even add a book about simple lifestyles to her bedside table. Too bad there’s not enough room.

2. INEXPERIENCE APPRECIATED. Now that both of my girls are at the dating age, my only hope for continued sanity is if the boys in my daughters’ schools are as clueless about how to deal with girls as I was at that age.

3. FULLY CONVERTED PISCIVORE. When we married, my wife told her friends, “There is only one thing I would change about John — get him to eat fish.” Mission accomplished. I now eat anything that comes out of the sea. So why, occasionally when I look up from my plate of cod or haddock, do I catch my wife watching me through narrowed eyes, clearly viewing me as still a work in progress?

4. PARENTAL FALLOUT. Thank God I come from a line of men with no history of heart attacks. I recently started teaching my oldest how to drive. I got the job because my wife twisted her ankle trying to hit the imaginary brake on the passenger side.

5. SO MUCH SMARTER. Recently, I watched my daughter waving her phone about the back of her head with the same gesture women use to apply hairspray. When I asked what she was doing, she told me she was taking pictures to check out how the hair bun on the top of her head looked. Brilliant!!! If only I could have thought of that when my wife told me my favorite pair of jeans was looking baggy in the butt. I nearly pulled a muscle in my lower back turning myself into a pretzel before a mirror to check on whether she was right. But, of course, it never would have occurred to me that my phone could have spared me from trying to to become a contortionist. Why can’t someone develop an app that will rewire my brain so I can be as smart as my kids?

His vs. hers beside tables

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