Category / Funny

Babies not allowed to sleep in parent's bed, dog was.

1. CANINE SUPERIORITY. Our kids never slept in our bed. Not sure why the dog has to.

2. FLEXIBLE FEATURES. At the dinner table, my wife and daughters can entertain each other by arching one eyebrow, making their earlobes wiggle and flaring their nostrils. I feel horribly deficient for being capable of only one such trick – curling my tongue. No one is impressed.

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Daughters in big-occasion dresses

1. NO REPEATS. Dresses my daughters select for formal dances may come into their lives with a bang, but they go out with a whimper. So these unsuspecting dresses should be forewarned: Just because you will help these girls earn all kinds of accolades, like “You look TOTALLY AMAZING!” and “You’re INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS,” doesn’t mean you won’t spend months at the bottom of their closets in a wrinkled heap. And when my eldest tossed a past prom dress into the bin we set aside for goodwill donations, she was dumbfounded when her cost-conscious father tried to rescue the poor thing. “Dad, what are you doing?” she asked. “Don’t you get that a big-occasion dress can’t be ever be repeated?!” (Trust me: she did not provide that information when I balked at the price tag.)

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Father is trendy too

1. SERENDIPITOUS TRENDSETTING. Having a fashionista in the house helps me gain all kinds of insights I never would have discovered on my own. Recently when my oldest daughter was sitting next to me, she pointed at my left hand and asked, “Why did you get a silver watch?” I didn’t, of course. My wife picked it out for me, based on my two criteria – that it be light-weighted and have a large day indicator (since I hate heavy accessories, can’t ever remember the date and can hardly see). Of course, I had no idea why my daughter would have any objection to this handsome new watch, so she had to explain, “It’s silver and your wedding band is gold. That’s mixing metals…

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Father and two daughers at a campground

1. S’MORES NO MORE. The days when my now teenaged daughters were willing to spend an entire weekend camping with their dad are long gone. As much attraction as fishing, canoeing and making S’mores by the campfire might have held, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can no longer compete with malls and the endless supply they provide of clothing stores, ice cream shops and boys. (So now the tent is stored deep in the garage — it and me hoping it can come out of mothballs when they have kids!)

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Yearbook photographs

1. YESTERYEAR YUKS. To counter my bathroom mirror’s sad daily evidence of how much I’ve aged, I try to take comfort in remembering what a handsome young lad (at least I imagined!) I used to be. Too bad the only support I have for that contention are my high school and college yearbooks. And breaking those out sends my teenaged daughters into fits of hysterical laughter. I have to believe when they look at my graduation photos, it’s just the high school leisure suit and big glasses that they find so ridiculous. But I don’t test that assumption. Age has brought me one good thing – the wisdom to know when not to ask questions.

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A daughter's wall posters evolve from boy musicians to beefcake.

1. SCARY HUNKS. Who knew pictures on a bedroom wall could be so intimidating? But I sure started to worry (okay, panic) when the posters in my daughters’ bedroom of fresh-faced prepubescent boy singers were taken down and replaced with square-jawed, manly actors with five o’clock shadows and scarily suggestive twinkles in their eyes. For my own peace of mind, I probably should have recognized that teasing sign on the door – “No parents allowed” – as wise advice.

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His vs. hers beside tables

1. TABLE STUDY. All you need to do to quantify the vast differences between husbands and wives is inventory the contents of the tables on their respective sides of the marital bed. In my house it breaks down this way: MINE: Alarm clock. Eyeglass case. Lamp. HERS: Four pairs of variously colored drugstore eyeglasses. A professional journal to keep up with work stuff. A romance novel to decompress from work stuff. Three past issues of Oprah magazine. Two water bottles (to help meet those 8 recommended daily glasses!). Three varieties of cream – face, hand and body. One dish of assorted seashells (under a Reader’s Digest)…

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Things boys have to do to get prom dates

1. SO “PROMPOSAL” IS A REAL THING? It’s been fun to watch the boys in my town go to great lengths to ask my daughters and her friends to the junior prom. Signs have been made, cakes have been delivered, boys have gotten down on one knee. Of course, it’s all so much more elaborate than what my friends and I did 35 years ago. Back then, you just caught a girl between classes, popped the question in a quavering voice and hoped she wouldn’t embarrass you with a “No” within earshot of all the other kids passing by in the hall. And maybe that’s exactly why this generation of boys is so much cleverer than we were…

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Father with daughters as toddlers, then teens

1. STOP GROWING! My youngest recently turned fourteen. Overnight it seems like she grew another four inches, so that now both of my daughters are nearly as tall as I am. It does not feel right that they stand close to eye level with me. Maybe that’s why an old picture of them standing in front of me at half their current heights now has a prominent place on my desk.

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Surfeit of Pillows

1. PILLOW PROLIFERATION. When I was single and had a house to myself, I had only one throw pillow on my couch to use when I wanted to recline watching TV. Now that I live with three women, there are pillows everywhere. My bed and couch have so many pillows of so many varieties it seems like they’re exhibits in a pillow museum. Any time I want to sleep or sit, I have to “gently” dislodge them. (Throwing them gets me into trouble.) Now the pillows are even turning up in unexpected places. (Do we really need lumbar support pillows at the base of our dining room chairs?) I half believe my wife doesn’t actually buy these things, but instead they multiply on their own, like rabbits.

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